I kissed her. My heart was racing. I was nervous, but I’d done it. It’d only taken me a few years. I pulled back to gauge her expression. She was… Confused? No, not that. She was… I don’t even think she knew. My anxiety kicked in. I’d blown it; my only chance for romance. I started talking fast – ‘make her laugh, quick!’ was all I could think.
She took off down the road; I followed, trying to play it cool. She said something about a boyfriend. I shot her another joke. Not laughing anymore, this time, she was serious. We get to the corner. I knew how this went; I’d walked her home countless times before. She stopped, tells me to leave – she wants to walk back on her own. My stomach feels weird, I say something weak. She leaves and I walk home alone – trying to figure out where I’d gone wrong.
But where did I go wrong?
Well when it came to this girl, I was in the friend zone. The place no guy likes to be. And it sucked. I’d tried to get out, and now I just felt awful. I felt like I’d blown some opportunity and that if I’d done things differently or waited for the right moment, it would’ve been smooth sailing. I would’ve got the girl like all the others guys seemed to.
The truth was – I put myself in the friendzone, but even though it was a shitty place to be at the time, as I grew up I came to think of it a little different. I came to realize something important:
Being in the friend zone is the single greatest lesson you can ever have for your dating life. Within its awkward, lonely confines are the most important lessons of game you can ever learn.
Lessons that I’m about to explain, and lessons you can employ.
ESCAPING THE FRIEND ZONE
Inexperience with women lands us in the friend zone. But taking our first baby step towards experience is what gets us out. Escaping from the friend zone involves you understanding what landed you there, embracing anxiety, and busting out.
You need to:
- Understand sexual tension.
- Capitalise on moments of intimacy.
- Not wait around for your beliefs to change.
- Get some perspective on what you want from your friendships.
It may sound like a lot – but these all tie into one another. Let’s get started.
Sexual tension is the anticipation of a mutually desired sexual act happening – this is usually the first kiss. It can happen with people you’ve just met to friends you’ve known for years. Hell, I have a friend who likes to build sexual tension with his female co-workers just for fun. Wikipedia defines sexual tension as follows:
Sexual tension is a social phenomenon that occurs when two individuals interact and one or both feel sexual desire, but the consummation is postponed or never happens.
A bit wordy.
Some guys really struggle with conceptualising this – but try to think of it this way. The way I like to think about sexual tension is by relating it to horror movies. I’m sure you’re thinking that’s strange, but hear me out. Think about those moments where the camera is following the protagonist around some gloomy lit room, and you think Jason Voorhees is going to leap out and machete them.
You don’t know when it will happen, but you know this moment exists, and may occur at any moment. It’s a palpable feeling of something intangible.
This is sexual tension; something sexual that is felt to exist, even though it hasn’t happened yet. Guys avoid this because it makes them feel anxious, but feeling anxious when experiencing sexual tension with a girl is normal. You should feel anxious, because it means something is about to happen that 100% changes the dynamic of your interaction from friend with sexual tension, to guy and girl kissing.
It’s the difference between friends and lovers.
When it comes to the friend zone, you’re your own jailor. You avoid those moments of sexual tension; those moments of intimacy. You avoid exposing your interest, your desires – often despite the chances the girl gives you – to protect yourself from rejection.
The key action to fixing this issue is learning to spot when you’re avoiding moments of intimacy with other women. When it comes to the friend zone, this is usually largely physical intimacy, but also emotional intimacy too.
Examples are as follows:
Am I avoiding eye contact?
Am I avoiding touching?
Am I avoiding going in for the kiss?
Am I avoiding flirting?
Am I avoiding letting the conversation lull?
Am I avoiding telling her I like her?
Am I avoiding being genuine, and instead trying to sell her on an idea of me?
Am I avoiding revealing my flaws?
Am I avoiding a deep connection, for a superficial one?
Do I want all of the above, but not acting on this desire?
*Tip: Also look to see if she’s trying to make these moments happen. It means she likes you.
Moments of intimacy are created when you allow yourself to do these things, and she responds in kind. This is an intimate connection and creates a bubble around the two of you which amplifies attraction. Where eye contact becomes the key form of communication, where you can’t keep your hands off each other, where you are comfortable letting the conversation explore each of your identities and emotions, where you kiss and everyone else seems to disappear.
It all comes back to the fundamental reality of game: It isn’t a skill. It’s just when you get out of your own way, and let nature take its course. Moments of connection and attraction, amplified by reciprocated intimacy.
But these moments of intimacy can only be experienced when someone takes the initiative. And culturally, whether you like it or not, that is usually expected to be the man.
To allow sexual tension to become moments of intimacy that turn you from ‘just a friend’ into a lover – you have to spot where you’re getting in your own way, and instead get on your own side.
Countless articles on Game talk about how you need to change your beliefs and then you’ll change your results. This is awful advice that leaves some guys reading books, reciting mantras and talking to the mirror in order to reprogram their subconscious.
It doesn’t work.
In order to change your beliefs, you have to change the actions that you are taking first. These actions will expose you to realities you didn’t predict, which in turn will challenge your beliefs, and affect your results.
Take this example:
Imagine you’re overweight, live with your parents, jobless with no fashion sense and you never talk to girls. This is your reality, and your beliefs about yourself will be informed by that.
Now imagine you start going to the gym, get in decent shape, get a job and your own place, and start to dress more stylishly. This is your new reality, and the improved responses you get from people, especially women, will inform your beliefs.
Now imagine you with this new found self-respect you start going to bars and meeting girls, at first you can’t approach, it’s too terrifying, but eventually (with some dutch courage) you manage to do it, and the response isn’t terrible. In fact, after a few approaches you end up kissing a girl and get her number. A few dates later you take her home. Two months later she’s your girlfriend. Imagine how your beliefs would be different now, to how they were when you started. All because of simple actions.
The way that beliefs relate to the friend zone is that you are where you are because of your beliefs. You believe certain things about yourself that are causing you to avoid moments of intimacy. The difficult part is that the beliefs come as a result of you trying new things, and exposing yourself to different environments. You can’t change your genetics at all, and you can’t change years of social conditioning by doing nothing. This is why I put the beliefs part second.
Whatever you believe now cannot be wished away, reprogrammed or tricked. But it can be changed by taking certain actions. You have to try something new, and see what happens. You have to embrace uncertainty and let the moments on intimacy play out.
Let’s be honest – It’s weird to pretend to be friends with a girl when deep down you want to sleep with her. It’s weird to hide your attraction like that, pretending to be something you’re not. It’s confusing for everyone involved and does nobody any favours. Take these examples:
Maybe the girl likes you sexually?
In which case she doesn’t know where she stands with you. She gets on with you, there’s this chemistry, and a hint of something more – but nothing comes of it. She’s constantly led on, and constantly let down. I’ve done this to girls in the past and it’s emotionally manipulative and shitty.
But what if she doesn’t like you sexually?
Then you’re pretending to be friends with someone, who you actually want something more than a friendship with – and are basically only hanging round with them in the hope that something will happen. The girl thinks you’re a friend, but you’re actually just a liar who wants to get in her pants.
In both instances, you’re doing something wrong. You’re being dishonest. You’re not just shitting on your own desires, but you’re treating another person like crap as well. You’re not a bad person, but your inability to act on your desires is affecting other people.
I’ve done it. It’s not cool.
You have to risk destroying the friendship in order to own your desires. The only way to know if she actually likes you or not is to make a move. To act on the sexual tension and create something more than friendship – something intimate.
Maybe she likes you and you’ve just got a lover. Maybe she doesn’t, and you’ve just lost a friend. Either way you were honest, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
In the story I cited at the beginning of this article – the girl never spoke to me again. I don’t blame her but I also don’t regret it. It was the first time I owned my intentions.
LIFE LONG LESSONS
The lessons you learn in the friend zone are with you for life. They are going to inform you actions with women forever, and in turn, shape your beliefs.
Learning to spot moments of sexual tension, and turn them into moments of intimacy are the most important keystone skills of Game. They are the crackle and fire of relationships. They affect everything from approaching, emotional connection to sex itself. You’re embracing the sexual side of your identity, the part most people try to hide, and you’re bringing it into the fold.
When you’re sat in the friendzone, it can seem like that kind of honesty is miles away. Something unachievable. But it’s not. It’s one step away. You’re not caged inside – all you have to do is be honest about your intentions just once, and you’ll step out.