SHE WAS the first girl I’d ever picked up from a nightclub. I had found myself on my own at one of those clubs with sticky floors, with nothing better to do than move with the music to enjoy myself. My friends were long gone, but I had stayed in the hope that something would happen. I’d given up on approaching, as that night I just didn’t feel like I had the guts, so instead, I worked my way right into the center of the dance floor, and well, danced.
I figured I may as well have fun.
She was blonde, about 5’6 and had shimmering silver tights on. She swayed her hips with confidence and moved with a comfort in the environment that I envied. Beside her danced a bent over figure, his wide eyes glued on her. She didn’t seem to give him any notice. If it wasn’t for her pants I wouldn’t have seen her. The lighting was terrible and the venue was overstuffed. Every few seconds they blasted out thick clouds of vapor onto the dance floor and the dancers on drugs tried to catch it in their fingers.
At the time I was in my head, doing my best to get into my body. I figured that might make something happen. I was feeling the music reverberate through my body, and looking at the mess of fingers creep through the smoke as green lasers shot down from the roof. Everyone was illuminated in a green fog; it was like we were being abducted. I stared up at the shining green and laughed at what a surreal place I was in; and when I looked down, she was staring straight at me.
I paused and looked back at her. Something was said without words and I thought “fuck it”, walked straight towards her.
– – –
At some point in his life, every guy wants to pick up a girl from a bar or club. He’s out with his friends, passing by, or maybe even working there. He might love nightlife, or he might hate it, or just feel completely uncomfortable there. No matter what the situation, the reality is the same throughout; he’s going to see a girl he’s attracted to, and he’s going to want to speak to her.
The question in his mind is, how?
It doesn’t matter whether it’s a bar or club, nightlife is an assault on the senses and an assault upon your anxiety. Not only are you bombarded with lights, sounds and hundreds of people; but everyone is on edge, and nobody is really that comfortable.
One of the biggest myths for guys starting out in game is that they’re the only ones who feel uncomfortable. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The reality is that the vast majority of people find bars and clubs incredibly uncomfortable places. They make them feel exposed, and they find it extremely difficult to have fun in these venues. They go there simply because it is the norm. The same social pressure that makes the night unenjoyable for them, is the same social pressure that led them to go in the first place.
The trick to getting into the element of these venues is simple. You embrace the assault.
EMBRACING THE SUCK
Nightclubs and bars, when you first walk in, are not particularly inviting, and offer an assault of potential threats to your self-esteem. But it is precisely this assault that frees you from it being an assault.
The more you walk towards the thing that you feel is assaulting your sense of identity, the more you realize how little power it has over you, and the less it can assault you; which leaves you free to engage with your environment as you please.
This can be done by being as social as you can with as many people as possible. Talking at the bar, talking to the staff, the bouncers, the guy in the toilet who sprays you with too much aftershave. Whoever. The point is that you get out of your skin.
It’s easy when you’re feeling down in the dumps to only focus on the outcome you want, but what few guys realize is that it’s the process of pursuing that outcome that actively gets them out of their head, and more likely to achieve it.
You don’t need to be killing it from the second you walk in, all you need to do is start being as social as you can, to whatever degree that you can. Even if that’s just asking the time. The more you do this, the higher your baseline of ‘rock bottom’ will be. Initially, your baseline may even find asking the time hard, but eventually, through effort, your anxious baseline can become going up to the best looking woman in the venue and introducing yourself.
But it only comes from embracing the suck.
STRENGTHS OF THE ENVIRONMENT
If you’re anything like me, then being rejected fucking sucks. In the last few years, I’ve been shot down by:
- Being told I’m ugly
- Being told I’m not her type
- Being told she’s not into white guys
- Being told I’m gay
- Being told I’m annoying
- Being told I’m boring
- Being told I’m an asshole
- Being told I’m too nice
- Being slapped
- Being told nothing at all, and simply ignored as if I’m not there
I didn’t enjoy any of them. Not only did they shit all over my self-esteem, but they were also pretty embarrassing. Going up to a girl in front of a bunch of people only to be told I’m an ugly, boring, homosexual isn’t exactly my idea of a great night out. In fact, it’s just humiliating.
Over time, however, what I discovered was that being rejected for the reasons above, whilst they weren’t nice, I ultimately didn’t care; but what I did care about, was being seen by other people as I was rejected.
I hated that. And I think, for a lot of guys, that’s what they hate too.
It’s not their ego being bruised by the girl, it’s their ego being bruised by everyone watching.
But here’s the thing. In a bar/nightclub, nobody can really tell what the fuck is going on. Nobody can hear anyone else’s conversations, nobodies paying attention to you (because they’re too caught up in their own ego), and they don’t know which people you do and don’t know there, and they sure as shit don’t know who you are.
In other words, it’s all in your head.
And that’s exactly how it was for me. Unlike getting rejected within your social circle, or on the street, or at a dance class – bars and clubs are actually some of the few venues where the anonymity and frankly, surreal fucking nature of the places work in the favor. Contrary to what your anxiety tells you about how dangerous rejection is, getting rejected in a nightclub or bar is probably the safest rejection you’ll ever get. There’s just so much less of you exposed.
FUN AS A MEASURING STICK
Despite their discomfort and anxiety, people ultimately go to these venues in order to have fun; and the likelihood that you’ll succeed at meeting women within these venues goes up considerably the more fun you’re having.
Yes, you still have to approach a lot – but if you’re approaching girls who are having fun at a nightclub, and you’re not enjoying yourself, all you’re doing is cramping someone’s style.
It’s a drag, and to be honest, you shouldn’t really be there.
Let me repeat that.
If you aren’t in a bar or club looking to have a really good time, why the fuck are you there?
Are you an alcoholic? Is that why?
Because if you’re looking to meet and sleep with girls, you’ll probably have a better chance meeting them during the day, as you’ll stand out a lot more, and can be in whatever mood you please.
If you’re in a bar or club for the sole reason of hooking up, not only are you badly misspending your energy, you’re also acting from a place that’s telling you that you need to do something, rather than doing what you want to do.
Because if you’re not having fun at a nightclub, you’re going to a place you don’t enjoy, to listen to music you don’t like, all just to get a girl. And that’s pretty pathetic.
If you’re already treating her as more important than your own happiness and enjoyment, before you’ve even fucking met her, then you can rest assured that you have learned nothing.
HOW TO APPROACH
What I learned when I made my first approach, has been something I’ve returned to frequently in the years since. And it’s a simple principle.
There’s no getting, there’s only doing.
When I was dancing there, on my own, feet half stuck to the floor, I had no real goal. I was, in my anxious state, hoping for something to happen, but unable to actually pursue it. I wasn’t really attached to an outcome. So I just tried to get out of my head. Ironically for me, it was on this night, that something did actually happen. The pretty girl looked at me. So I walked up and said hi. And a little later, I told her I thought she was cute.
A few years ago, when I started to become invested in the idea that I could “pick up girls”, I focused a lot of my attention on what I wanted to get from others in the venue around me. I would bounce around the club, trying out lines on girls, or approaching, and never once stopping and actually trying to enjoy myself. To actually have fun. And as a result, my results suffered.
The more I chased something I wanted to get, the less I actually got what I was chasing.
Eventually, getting tired of being another headless chicken bouncing between girls, I sat down and decided to pay attention to what I had actually learned over the years. And it turned out, the lesson was simple. In fact, it was the same lesson game always teaches:
Chase yourself, and other people will chase you.
When I invested in my own enjoyment, girls would begin to take interest in me; and after that, all I had to do was say hi, and tell them they were cute.* That was it. Instead of trying to turn the night into a pickup, it was the fun I was having in my own skin that turned the night into a pick up on its own. All I did was make a move.
And it’s exactly the same for you.
*If you want a goal to set yourself, let it be that. Say hi, and at some point tell her she’s cute. Then you can leave if it goes bad, or stay if it goes well. Nothing more, nothing less.
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