PEOPLE LIE TO THEMSELVES about their emotions all the time. Nowhere is this truer than in casual relationships.
Every time somebody says to me that their relationship is ‘no strings attached’, ‘casual’, ‘friends with benefits’ or ‘we’re just fuck buddies’, I always, instead, hear a combination of ‘I’m not aware of my emotions’, ‘one of us is more invested than the other’ and ‘this is going to end badly.’
Because let me tell me you a secret:
Casual, no strings attached relationships are just bad, early-stage relationships with poor emotional awareness and poor communication.
Functioning well for only a short time, casual relationships are simply the early formation stage of a relationship, with all the fertile ground for the development of emotional attachment.
But instead of progressing things, the casual relationship sits in some kind of no man’s land, where more often than not, one person ends up in a position of over attached neediness due to the lack of open communication.
You’ll probably be thinking, yeah, but it’ll be her and not me, but if you’re reading this article, I’d wager it’s gonna be you.
HOW TO HAVE A CASUAL RELATIONSHIP – THE 5 STEPS
Despite this reality, casual relationships remain popular and are pursued by men and women alike. But the question nobody seems to ask themselves is:
Is it possible to have a casual relationship without the feelings? In other words, is it possible to have a no strings attached relationship, that actually has no fucking strings attached?
The short answer:
Given how emotionally unaware we all are… No. It’s not.
The long answer:
If neediness is a dominant emotion in your emotional makeup, then this kind of relationship is likely to end up with you getting over attached and chasing someone around who doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.
I see this happening to guys a lot, and I see it happening to girls all the time. If neediness is a dominant emotion for you, I can almost guarantee that this outcome will happen. You’re better off working on yourself and devoting time to healing that neediness.
But if neediness isn’t a dominant emotion in your life. Then, well, it takes a lot of work.
There are five steps to having a casual relationship. If you want to keep things ‘no-strings-attached’, then it takes work. And it takes an understanding of your own emotions and hers.
1) THE EXPERIENCES YOU SHARE DETERMINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Guys who never end up in fuck buddy situations almost always end up where they are because of their vibe.
When guys think of how to get a fuck buddy, they often think they should just go on a date with a girl, fuck her brains out and that’ll do the trick. Sure, it might, but I think it’s an unimaginative way of looking at it.
It’s stale advice.
The two elements that turn a one-time fling into a multiple-time fling are experience and comfort. Comfort I’ll get to in a second, but first, let’s look at experience.
Lock down your Balloon Animal Game.
Experience is complicated. Yes, having great sex with her helps, but I’ve always found in my own life that it was the girls I had a shared sexual adventure with were the ones who always came back.
This means that when you have sex, make sure there’s some kind of story attached to it – you both had sex in an expensive hotel after rampaging through the city, or you had sex on the beach or you had sex in a club toilet or you picked her up on at a house party, bailed and had sex in a park. Whatever. The point was that it was something out of the ordinary. It was something exciting.
Which means you are exciting.
Back in my early 20’s, I used to spend so much time worrying about whether or not I’d get laid that I would play it extremely safe. Comfortable date, back to the apartment, rinse, repeat. But the older I got, and the more bored I became with this routine, the more I began to branch out and try more radical things, push things in a more sexual direction, make my dates more crazy and haphazard; do weird shit like go bowling at 3 AM, or hold entire dates in a role-play, simply because I wanted to.
It was here that quality and quantity of my casual relationships began to increase. I went from just another guy to someone who was exciting and memorable.
This is fundamental. It’s the kind of lifestyle and behavior that takes you from ‘guy she would have sex with because she’s in the mood’, to ‘guy who can make her in the mood to have sex with.’ Your lifestyle and identity are, in themselves, arousing.
Because if you want an almost purely sexual relationship, that’s what you should be aiming for.
The reason I stress this is that most guys get laid because the girl was already horny. It had nothing to do with them, so they have no idea how to keep them interested.
2) LEAVE YOUR JUDGEMENTS AT THE DOOR
When I was inexperienced with girls, I used to be hugely judgemental about their sexuality, and fearful within conversations. Stemming from my neediness, I thought any girl sleeping with another man somehow spoke to my self-worth, and that if I said the wrong thing in conversation then I would lose the girl. It was a fearful, controlling attitude.
And I see it in guys all the fucking time.
I have friends who often profess to be non-judgemental, but as soon as a girl starts talking about her sexuality, they seize up, become defensive, and often go on the attack, questioning her about her motivations. I recognize this because it’s exactly what I used to do. And here’s the thing:
Girls can smell this from a mile away. And they hate having sex with guys who think like this.
Just like you, or me, they don’t actually enjoy being judged.
In fact, for most women, being socially judged is one of their biggest fears. Just as being perceived as weak is one of the biggest for men.
For a girl to have repeated casual sex with you, she needs to know you’re not judging her, that you’re comfortable with your sexuality and hers, and in fact (and this is why you’d get your results), you actively encourage her sexuality. All of her fucked up little tastes; you’re a fan of all of them.
This isn’t a technique. It can’t be faked.
It only comes as a result of killing neediness.
3) UNDERSTAND THAT CASUAL DOES NOT EQUAL FREQUENT
When you meet a girl, go on a date, sleep with her, and meet her up with again in a few days or next week – in some way or another your relationship is progressing. You are progressing from a casual encounter in her life to a frequent encounter.
In other words, a relationship.
Time and time again I see guys advising other guys to turn one night stands into a casual relationship as soon as they can. This is doable, sure, but I’ve always felt it was the wrong way to go about it.
When you progress through a connection, you expose yourself to emotions that gradually intensify, and unless you’re callously shut off to them, this is going to complicate your casual relationship. Sex might be a physical act, but it’s an emotional process.
Denying this to yourself just leaves you exposed to needless drama down the line when the feelings you haven’t admitted to yourself start cropping up. Think about any friend you’ve had who’s been casually sleeping with a girl only to freak out when she goes home with another man.
It’s bullshit, and people lie to themselves about it all the time.
The trick to countering this is timing.
Stop rushing shit and take your goddamn time.
After you’ve had sex, lay off the pressure. If she’s keen to hook up, sure, but keep it extremely relaxed. Find the next girl. Drop her a text in a few weeks or even months, chat for a bit, ask her out. You’ll know immediately if she’s keen. Do this with enough girls and you have an entire years’ supply of casual relationships sorted, whilst finding new ones. Because if you’ve shared an experience, she’ll see your message pop up and remember you as that story.
That thing she did that was exciting.
The gap in timing counters the inherent neediness that arises in any relationship and keeps it strictly casual. It means you’re still entering each other’s lives, but not with enough frequency to start inevitably confusing things.
It might sound crazy, but what I’m advising is actually making your casual relationships, y’know, casual. There’s nothing casual about seeing someone all the time; in fact, it’s the very definition of intense.
Don’t do that. Instead, build upon the casual, intense sexuality of your first meeting, and allow that to set the tone. After the first time of having sex with one another, you separate, which stops the would-be relationship progression from happening.
This model is far from perfect in preventing the confused reality of casual relationships, but in my experience is the best counter to the emotional reality that is usually denied to even exist.
Important: I would note, however, that whilst this works, it’s not emotionally fulfilling. A real relationship, with a real connection, with someone you actually care about trumps it every time. But it’s up to you to decide whether you want that.
4) ACCEPT AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE EMOTIONS THAT EXIST
Emotions always play the biggest part in any sexual interaction.
- It’s attraction and arousal that takes you both to the bedroom.
- It’s attraction, arousal, and happiness that keeps you coming back.
- It’s attraction, arousal, happiness and trust that forms a bond.
- It’s attraction, arousal, happiness, trust, and love that form a commitment.
Logic has next to nothing to do with it. In men’s dating advice, this is rarely ever discussed, and when it comes to casual relationships, this is always denied. I mean, just look at the alternative names. Friends with benefits, fuck buddies – it’s all avoiding any kind of romantic language. It’s doing it’s best to act like it isn’t there.
But it’s always there.
This is the main reason why I recommend you never, ever, ever try and ‘fuck buddy’ your ex. You’re uncorking a whole bottle of fuck your emotional shit up.
Have a drink, what could possibly go wrong.
If you want to have successful casual relationships with women, you owe it to yourself, and them, to acknowledge the emotional reality that exists and take steps not to lead yourself, or her, into emotionally confused waters. You don’t ever want to be thinking:
‘Are we or aren’t we?’
And you shouldn’t want her thinking it either.
Acknowledging this means your focus remains on:
These two will always send the kind of signal you want to be sending.
The rest comes from taking a mature attitude towards your sex life and your emotional life and respecting the other person. The easy thing to do is to be just another dickhead who gets into confusing situations. The adult thing to do is to understand that some types of relationships need boundaries.
It’s harder. But that’s why it’s worth doing.
5) SOMETIMES THEY END FOR NO REASON
Casual relationships are sometimes good but then fizzle out for no reason. And for the guys who usually can’t get them at all, they’re left doubly confused as to what they’re doing wrong.
Here’s the reality:
It often has nothing to do with you.
Sometimes she’s just not in the right place and doesn’t want this kind of relationship. She might be lonely, and the loveless sex might actually exacerbate those issues of loneliness. Who knows?
Casual or not, it’s still a relationship after all, so it’s not all about you.
The other person in the relationship has different wants, needs, fears, and anxieties to your own. I’ve slept with girls who have felt ashamed of themselves for sleeping with me, I’ve slept with girls who thought they could get a relationship out of me and failed, and I’ve slept with girls who started out thinking I was a great guy and ended up wanting me out of their life.
It can be for dozens of reasons, sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s not.
As with any relationship, it’s bound to leave you emotionally confused. The art is in picking yourself up and not letting that confusion break you.
Because new relationships are always waiting around the corner. Maybe this one will be one that lasts.
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