Towards the end of my 22nd year of life, I decided to make myself a pickup artist. I read every piece of relevant literature, submerged myself in forums and went out to bars on my own and spoke to girls whilst my legs shook uncontrollably. I practiced correct posture, watched videos of Lions (always worthwhile) and I memorized cool lines that were guaranteed to score me chicks.
It was a spectacular failure.
Was it the lines? Was it me? Sometimes I couldn’t tell, and I often felt overwhelmed. The truth was, I didn’t know where too look. With all this information being fired at me, spiking my insecurity and casting shadows on my future, I didn’t know what to do. I lacked guidance. But my situation wasn’t hopeless, through time and effort I was eventually able to design a system of my own – one that worked and didn’t leave me empty handed and broken hearted.
Diving into the world of pickup can be a daunting task. Streams of internet mouthpieces spew tactics, lay reports, tips and tricks until you’re drowning in information overload. It’s too much to process – and leaves you with a frazzled brain and shaky legs like I had.
There’s got to be a better way, right? The guys who are good at this must follow some kind of rules, some kind of secret system I don’t yet know about.
Of course there is.
Within the following 25 Laws is everything I’ve learned about picking up girls and being a devastating player. The rules vary from simple to complicated, but if you pay attention – you might just learn everything you ever needed to know.
Let’s get started…
1) Be confident all the time. Except when you’re not.
2) Remember: it’s important to overcompensate.
3) When talking to a woman, make sure to belittle her. This is crucial.
Follow the laws and you’ll get her. It’s foolproof.
4) Don’t be beta, be alpha. Or sigma. But definitely not gamma.
5) Ignore rule 4, and instead, focus on the size of your penis.
6) Feel insecure around other men.
7) Brush your teeth.
8) Understand female attraction. What is it? It’s simple –
9) Sorry. Continuing on. Yes, number 9: Be tall. If not, refer to rule 2.
10) Do not feel emotions. Be clueless to their influence.
11) Always believe that ‘you are the prize.’ Then ignore that and pursue vagina above all else.
‘A Man who follows the laws is out there somewhere!’
12) Don’t be yourself; nobody will ever love you for who are. Be James Bond instead.
13) Women respond to shows of dominance. This means you should never smile.
‘.. And then he smiled at me. What a dork!’
14) You must sleep with at least 100 women. Or alternatively 85. Or any other number. Consult your nearest neurosis for more information.
15) Pay attention to what she does. Not what she says. Struggle with listening.
16) Don’t hang round with losers. You’re a winner. You were just having a uh… ‘day off’ when you met them.
17) Approach women every day. Or don’t, if you’re tired or have other plans.
18) Pick up girls from bars and clubs. Why is that? It’s simple –
19) My mistake. Let me continue. Yes rule 16: Do not have any friends who are girls. If you do, this makes you gay. Resolve this problem by staring at her like a psychopath.
20) Lead women. They’re attracted to leaders. Be led by this fact, and in doing so, be led by her.
‘Do you follow the laws? Also, do you have a pillow?’
21) Be yourself. And by that I mean pretend to be James Bond.
22) If you think she’s cheating. She’s cheating. Suspicion is irrefutable proof.
23) When she takes 1 hour to reply, take 2. When she takes 3, take 6. When she takes 12, take 24. When she’s no longer in your life; text repeatedly.
‘Why can’t I figure out this robe? I need a Man who knows the laws.’
24) Dress well, groom well, resolve your emotional issues and live a fulfilling, active life.
25) Follow all of these rules. Or don’t. Whatever. Do whatever works for you.
Place above head.