Game; some men have it, some men don’t. It’s in the way they talk, walk, act and believe. But what is it? Is a complex skill or an inherent ability? Denied to some but handed to others? And if it can be learned, why would we want to?
I argue that Game is the ability to comfortably express your sexuality; an instinct that is innate to everyone, gleaned through exposure and honesty. It’s the toolbox nature provided you to meet your needs for connection, intimacy and sex. Every animal has it and you’re no different.
Game is not a skill, it’s a process of letting go, allowing you freedom of expression in your sexuality.
Our sexualities are a huge part of our identities, arguably the largest instinctual motivation for all life. It’s something that cannot be ignored, with a huge amount of our culture, religion and politics devoted to handling and discussing human sexuality.
There’s nothing to discuss. Connection, Sex and Intimacy are needs that cannot be sublimated or wished away, they are vital and enjoyable parts of living.
Game is learning to get those needs met; simplifying what has been overcomplicated.
Learning to express your sexuality is gruelling and tough. When you’re uncertain of your own ability to attract women, it’s easy to conflate that with your own sense of worth. That’s natural and normal, an unavoidable part of the process.
The pain encountered when challenging your ego and exposing yourself to your unmet needs is often frightening and breeds anxiety. This can’t be wished away, and it can’t be tricked away. Exposing yourself to your repressed needs is often synonymous with confronting your emotional shame about who you are. After all, there’s a reason you’ve been struggling with this stuff – it doesn’t become difficult all on its own.
It takes time, and there are no shortcuts.
Expression and outcomes
People insecure about their ability with the opposite sex often look for tricks, lines or routines as a way to guarantee their success. These people are usually focused on receiving sex and have a shallow understanding of their own emotional needs. They’ll ask things like ‘what do I say?’, ‘Do you have any tips for X?’
I’ve been that guy. There are no tricks, lines or routines. Game is when a person talks to someone they’re attracted to and expresses their sexuality. That’s it.
Note how I didn’t include an outcome. Game has nothing to do with outcomes. It has to do with expression. Outcomes, like sex and girlfriends, are the result of mutual attraction and connection. It’s when two people are attracted to one another. The focus of Game is to express yourself. Not to control others.
Uncertainty is a part of life. We simply don’t know what’s going to happen, we have limited ideas of who we are, and we’re only privy to glimpses of other individuals identities. Game is having the courage to accept that uncertainty, and pursue your needs anyway.
Game’s relation to outcomes is in desire and curiosity. You desire the outcome of sex, intimacy and connection. You are curious about what will happen when you express your intention to pursue those desires; who is this person; will there be chemistry? The outcome itself is irrelevant. If she’s not into you, or the interaction falls flat, you move on. Sure the feeling sucks for a bit, but you move on, a little bit more confident for trying. First, you respect yourself, your desires and needs. But you also respect others. Humility, respect and empathy are the values we want to develop here.
Game is expression. Game is developing the will to pull the trigger.
The Numbers Game
Following from the uncertainty of outcomes, a huge element of game is simple odds. Not every woman is attracted to you, available, in the right mood, or interested. There are countless reasons you might be turned away. Each of them is an opportunity to learn. A huge element of game is playing these odds. It stands to reason that the man who approaches more has a higher chance of meeting compatible women who meet his needs for connection, intimacy and sex.
But when shouldn’t you approach?
Game is a just a part of your life, so finding the balance between playing the odds and living your life is essential. I’ve known countless men neurotic about their sex lives who feel they need to hit certain quotas, and pursue this to the detriment of their other goals. Game is their life. This is unhealthy and they’d be better off in a therapy than inside another vagina.
It’s up to you to develop the self-awareness to know when you’re prioritizing game (typically the outcome of getting laid) over your other, more important interests. An easy way to do this is look at how you design your life. Are you designing your life around game, or is game naturally expressed by your life? Remember, game is expression. Does your game come from your social circle, hobbies, and general lifestyle habits? Or is it something you’re bending your schedule around, where you’re forcing yourself into periods of meeting women?
As before, the self-awareness is down to you.
The Skill of Game
Game is something you inherently know. It’s expressing interest and desire. That’s it.
The skill in game comes from playing the numbers game, structure and most importantly, empathy. I’m going to go into these all in more detail in later articles, but I’ll define each here:
The numbers game is simply how effective you are at meeting women. How many women you can approach, how many you have in your social circle, how many you put yourself in interactions with. Essentially how well you play the odds.
Structure is how well you structure a seduction. The structure is as follows: Approach woman, express desire and connect, close.
Approaching is where you go up and introduce yourself. Expressing desire and connecting is where you pursue your sexual interest in this woman whilst also discovering who she is. Closing is where you kiss her and or take her him/go back to hers. There is slightly more to the structure than that, but those are the essentials. When it comes to expression of desire and connection always tend to lean more towards expression my desire unashamedly than connection (about 3:2 ratio), as I find it appeals more to my personality. The skill in the structure comes down to how you utilize and tweak it.
Empathy is how you understand the experience of the woman you’re expressing your sexuality to. Is she shy? Nervous? Uncomfortable? Are you being too physical? Is now the time to be more physical? Is she here to have fun with her friends and not be hit on? Is she too scared to reject you and instead just standing there while you blather on and touch her?
Game is an interaction which, like any, requires you both calibrate to each other; like dancing, you must respond to the tempo of the other person. Empathy is the fuel of connection, and helps avoids the pitfalls of active inertia; attempting a one size fits all approach. I hear countless advice to the contrary, saying guys shouldn’t reject themselves, saying guys shouldn’t care and so on. And whilst there are degrees to which I agree, I believe all game has to emerge from a foundation of humility and empathy. Connection, intimacy and sex all require two people. Empathy is what allows you to be sensitive to what other people are feeling, and humility allows you to see people as equals. No one is better or worse than you, we’re all the same, with the same emotions, needs and desires. The unique snowflake belief is as unnatural as it is absurd.
I don’ t think it’s any coincidence my results skyrocketed when I started caring more about these things than I did about ‘not giving a fuck’, ‘being a man’, ‘playing the masculine role’ and other hollow nonsense. Game is an expression of desire towards another human being, so it’s important you treat the woman like she actually is one.
But what about James Bond flashy stuff?
Forget flashy stuff. Stick to the basics, if you can handle those under pressure and nerves, the flashy stuff like humour, charm, and wit will emerge organically on their own. The basics are what matter most. Have some faith in your own personality.
The Dark Side of Game
Like anything, game carries its own shadow. A collection of unavoidable negatives that reveal the parts of our own nature we wish to hide from. For me, it was a fear of the power women held over me and my emotions. I was afraid of getting hurt and would do anything to avoid that. For other men, they hate women, they think they are inferior, they think they are entitled to sex when they want it – the list goes on.
In my experience, each man must come face to face with his own darkness – and in the experience of learning to express your sexuality, you’re going to get smashed up against things you don’t want to admit to yourself.
Women haters, women lovers, sociopathic tendencies – I’ve met countless guys expressing some kind of negative issue in their psyche when they get involved in this stuff. It’s up to you to spot where you’re heading in life, that self-awareness is your responsibility alone. All I can say is that when it comes to game, look at where you focus is, and ask yourself why?
If it’s on obtaining the outcome of sex, above all else, and this is a persistent driver for you. Why?
Because when outcomes like sex are your only goal, you’ll end up doing anything achieve them. Connection and honesty fall away to things like manipulation, lying, inappropriate sexual aggression and harassment. The core of human empathy falls away, and women become just another vessel with which you get your need for sex met. With humility gone, they’re just something you use. It’s a terrible place to be, and in all the cases I’ve seen it; these men are extremely lonely and damaged deep down.
But the reason I called this the dark side of game, is that these tactics of lying and manipulation – they work. You can ultimately graft a sex life off the back of them. It’s a trap that gets you stuck in a positive feed-back of input and reward.
It’s up to which path you choose.
You can either express who you are, or express who you aren’t.
Game is indifferent.