ONE OF THE BIGGEST mistakes I made when trying to improve my dating life was that I believed that in order to change my results and get what I wanted, I had to become a different person. I had to alter my personality.
This is often true when we set ourselves goals, especially social ones – our goal is so fundamentally linked to changing how we feel about ourselves, that we feel in order to achieve it, we must change who we are.
But this is never the case. There is simply the goal and then there is you.
The reason we confuse the two is that we don’t believe we are enough as we are. We believe there is something fundamentally wrong with our identity which makes us unattractive. We believe that we need to hide who we are, in order to appear to others a certain way.
A lot of guys want to go out and hit on girls in bars and clubs, not because this is an effective way of meeting people, but because they want to prove to themselves that they can, they want to prove that they are not the person they feel they are – and in order to do this, they pretend to be something they’re not.
Think about that for a second: we want to appear to others a certain way, in order to get something we want, in order to change the way we feel about ourselves.
Not only is this a terrible way of dealing with your emotional issues, it’s also a recipe for a terrible dating life.
Who we are; who we want to be, what we do and who we want to be perceived as are all different things that exert a force on the decisions we make in the world. When we undervalue our perception of ourselves, overvalue other’s perception of us, or misperceive who we need to be – we warp our actions in an attempt to control who we are.
This behavior only magnifies the confused and disparate nature of our identity, leaving it fragile, and like any façade, easy to pull down.
In seduction, this is when a guy gets a girl by pretending to be something, only for her to realise that it’s all a load of bullshit a week later or it’s the guy who ends up losing a girl who already liked him, because she felt smothered by his efforts to be someone he thinks she’d like.
The truth is that who we are exists in a moment by moment basis. It carries our experiences throughout our lives up until that point, but it doesn’t exist in those moments, or in future moments. We aren’t who we think we are, and we aren’t who we want to be. We’re simply an individual, interacting with someone else on an emotional and intellectual level.
Recognizing this, and acting on it, is called being yourself. It is the right choice, as it is the most confident, authentic, and real version of yourself, and exists in parallel to game.
The two do not mix.
There is nothing about your identity that needs to be in place in order for you to have a good dating life, you just need consistently move through the process of game.
Note that the identity column is blank. This is because it can be filled with anything, even the counter-intuitive stuff. Campy? Effeminate? Goofy? I have seen all of these things regularly succeed when paired with consistent game.
But suave and charming with weak game? Good company that never went anywhere.
Instead of viewing the above diagram as how it should be, guys often view it as it appears below.
With traits like ‘being cool’ or ‘indifferent’ entering into their idea of what constitutes a successful process.
But here’s the thing: attempting to be more attractive is fundamentally unattractive. It is in itself dependent on someone else’s perception of you, and by extension needy. It needs to be validated. You need to be validated.
Pretending to be cool, isn’t cool. Feigning indifference isn’t indifference. It’s just confused.
The only reason you would enter foreign elements into your personality is if you aren’t comfortable with people not liking you. Whether it’s sex, or social validation, whatever it is, something about you is dependent on them liking you.
Ask yourself, does that sound confident? Does that sound like a happy way to live? Is the right way to live dependent on the opinions of others, or does it exist entirely on its own?
Allowing yourself to express yourself naturally, without a desire to ‘be’ anything and naturally allowing yourself to move through the process of game, and having the confidence to back yourself through that process – this naturally leads to a comfort with your identity (read: coolness) and lack of caring what people think of your identity (read: indifference).
Allowing game to move through its process, without confusing it with your identity, naturally lends itself to confident, attractive behavior.
The very things you want to pretend to have, you’ve actually had all along, and all it takes to have them is a little confrontation of anxiety and a little embrace of your personality.
As you approach, you say something based on how you feel, or what you observe. When you connect, you express what you genuinely want to know and what you genuinely like about the other person. When you escalate, it’s based on how you want to express your sexuality in that moment – whether its aggressive or subtle, all that matters is that it’s you, and it’s reciprocated.
And here’s the thing: focusing on the process actually changes you because it exposes you to your anxiety and fear, and through exposure, gives you more comfort in accepting who you are, and what you want to do.
The paradox is that by not trying to change who you fundamentally are, you end up seeing the most change.
It is the misunderstanding of this that results in zero change of ability, and instead, a desperate scramble to be perceived as changed and capable.
Approach, connect, escalate, close
These are the elements that you need to remember. Note how there’s nothing complicated there? You don’t need to memorize a lot of things to do. The structure of a seduction is incredibly, incredibly simple, and if you do all of the above elements with a receptive woman – guess what, you’ve got yourself a result.
So why do guys focus so much on techniques?
I believe the desire comes from not believing that they are inherently enough to ‘get the girl’. Because of this lack of belief, they try to simulate someone who they believe is enough. This is why a lot of game techniques come off as fake, or inauthentic or overcompensating; because these techniques are all three.
But the structure of seduction remains unchanged. The rest that you bring is just your well-adjusted personality.
When guys confuse the structure of game with their identity, they begin to attempt to take on traits that they believe are necessary to the structure of seduction; traits that they believe they cannot get their result without.
This is not the case.
The structure of a seduction is the structure of a seduction. It doesn’t change. It just goes quicker, or slower.
When I was younger and I had a bad night out and came home empty handed, I would often chastise myself for not being suave or cool or charming enough – when in reality, none of this had anything to do with my results, the reason I came home empty handed was because I hadn’t actually talked to any girls.
It sounds stupid – but you wouldn’t believe how many guys fall into this trap.
Who you are, your identity is who you interact with people from. It is the collection of everything that composes you, and when it is well adjusted, emotionally well-rounded, and capable of managing anxiety, it is the personality that interacts with the world, and in this case, women. No part of your personality is a technique; no part of your personality is there because of the structure of game. Your personality is your personality, and the structure of game is the structure of game. The two are independent.
The former is you, and the latter guides you to your goal.
Understanding this divide will skyrocket your results; not just in game, but in life in general.